Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear O Earth, the words of my mouth.

Let my teachings fall like rain, and my words  descent like dew...

I will proclaim the name of the LORD.  Oh, priase the greatness of our GOD!

                                                                                               Deuteronomy 32:1-3

Suddenly  I went from making $1800 dollars a month to making about $600.  My hours of my job were cut because there is a "low census."  To tell you the truth, the Medical/Trauma center that I work seems to have had many financial deficits to deal with these last couple years,
at least since I have worked here... I got an email opening up my eyes to the fact that there was no coincidence that my hours were cut, but that GOD was asking me to trust him more.  A lot of my expenses before,after, and during my trip I had expected to pick up on my own because of the lack of time to actualy fundraise, save, and draw a bit extra support.  I doubted myself... that I was doing all I needed for GOD, all that he has been asking.  I wasn't sure if I was allowing HIM to work through me.  HE has given me new tasks, and more than I have ever had before.  I do not believe that I was being tested. 
I do believe that perservering through my insecurity was me putting myself to the test.

Today, I finaly understood.  OH GOD! I cried out... I seen in every other aspect of my life the LORD prevailing in HIS will
for my life.  My heart was breaking for HIM.  Although I could not see HIM in my job and my financial loss, I was able to see him everywhere else.   I was still blessed with his presence in my life in a way that allowed me to be certain that things were okay.  He had it in his hands.  Silently I wept, but I called outloud to GOD in thanksgiving, in forgiveness for such wearyness and doubt.  I said
"LORD GOD!  Please, if you are behind me guiding my way, please stand in front of me until your light blinds my eyes OH GOD! Because  I know you will prevail but I know
there are things I need to do FOR YOU and allow

you to do THROUGH ME.  Let me GOD! Please, that is all I need!"  ...  I can say that is word for word.  After that call to GOD those words echoed in my head repeatetly. 

There needs to be a time for a bit of brokeness. Sweetly or not. By the hand of GOD it seems a blessing.  As I cried I was being relieved of burdens I had not seen...(He's been doing that for me a lot these days)... I was
enlightened with works of GOD that I was too caught up in to be able to stand back and admire... He gave me this time.  I was at peace. OH wow, a peace that I am still praising.  Shortly after, work called and invited me in afterall... several hours late, but work nonetheless.   

Although something in me  allows me to stand in awe throughout my day at the simple things in life that reflect on me magnificent,  its been awhile since I could feel such peace and admiration in looking only at me.   Im use to being selfless in a way that comforts my heart even when I am alone or not getting my way.  This was a new thing GOD showed me tonight, and a new way
to show me anything.  I was able to rest, and stop being involved in the creation of his
m
aterpiece...HE gave me rest so that I could look at myself in a way that made me love myself in a way I may not have been doing lately.  

I have been overwhelmed before at the way GOD has worked in me.  Most signficantly, on a day that I will treasure until I die or  can't think clearly anymore,  I wept in front of others as I gave a testimony on what GOD has done to me and where my place was to tell others of his wonderful love and mercy.  This day I remember I was exghahusted from all that the LORD
had me doing... as the  days of my life passed across my eyes I fell in LOVE over again with the GOD who had taken what was dead inside of me (as Ive wrote of) and brought it to NEW LIFE.  He promised he would do this for us...  But even at that moment, overwhelmed KNOWING what he had done in me, I had not been able to look at it the way I did tonight, and see it's beauty. 
Finaly, I felt beautiful.  In sin, shame, and weakness I never felt beautiful
. 
On the greatest day, in my best dress, and my hair and skin more vibrant than others I never felt beautiful, wanted to be told I was beautiful... etc.  I knew that I wanted my beauty to be seen by the LOVE I had for GOD, and by the works that I was blessed to do by power of the HS.  Today perhaps was the first day ever where GOD specificaly pulled me over to his side, looked out, pointed so that I could
acknowledge his view, and said 'Joie, you're beautiful.  I've made you so beautiful, for me.'  And as I looked onto myself,  I seen the glory of GOD revealed.  Then I heard him say he loved me.  I felt his arms carry me away then, away from the darkness, and into a light that was brighter than ever before.

Its not to be mistaken that this road isnt a bit tedious.  There have been times where I did not want to do it anymore
but was always willing to continue evenstill.  There weren't too many times I wished it to be easier for me, because I knew there was strength simply to perservere throughout the struggles.  I never wanted to quit because the treasures that lay
before me are worth more than any earthly possession.  The LORD doesn't even keep us waiting.  As we strive to be obedient and live as if heaven was on earth, our treasures are revealed on our journey through.    I never was burdened feeling as if I was giving without recieving, for I know I could never give enough and I deserve nothing.  I have sacraficed all I have loved for the one thing I have the NEED to love the most...my FATHER.    It's been the hardest time of my life, and its been just near 2 years since I answered the call.    There will never be anything that could put me out from the purpose just to breath... so that I can not only be alive, but so that I can LIVE and serve.  So that I may tell HIS children that they are called to be my brothers and sisters and that GOD is our FATHER, and CHRIST is OUR SAVIOR.

In this journey I have found my greatest joy, only after the sweetest brokeness.   I had revealed the most strength after I clenched at the ground to crawl on my knees and struggle through my weakest moments.  I have found the greatest peace only after the wars my spirit fought against the sins that waged against my soul.  No matter what I have been able to be content knowing that the LORD is prevailing in HIS will for me.

**************

Tonight I will rest in comfort provided from these revelations that the LORD provided.  Even as I opened my bible to read the LORD was telling me to close it, and to just listen for this moment.  My eyes had read before what only now was spoken to my heart.