I would like you to know that just sat for over 15 minutes waiting for this page to load, and I want you to keep in mind that I am going to have to sit here waiting for my post to be added when I am done.  Right now I am aggrevated.  If I haven't, for some strange reason, become so strong in holding in my emotions I would be crying my eyes out like a baby. 

I would like to write to my mother and see how she is doing, and most importantly I would like to pour my heart out to her, but there never seems to be enough time, or an ability to  concentrate without feeling rushed or anxious otherwise.   I would like to see what is new in the local newspaper... honestly, if it was not for these blogs I would quite the internet all together for the time being.  It is a stumbling block at the moment... but obediently I am sitting here and attempting to type out this blog... Yesterday I wrote my heart out into a blog which screen read "page error" shortly before the closing of it and therefore those who I promised a blog were not able to read it...

I am just frusterated.  I am unhappily out of shape, and what did so much to me spiritualy, physically, and emotionaly is absent and there is added stressers that sometimes just make it hardly bareable.

...I going to attempt to focus on GOD now and write out the story that poured from my heart yesterday... I want better words than just emotions, but I want you to read what I write and be taken along with me in this walk led by the Holy Spirit, that who is Christ Jesus and the everlasting life that dwells in my.... I hope i do a decent job to the works the lord layed on my heart to display for others to see and share in such beauty with...

The other night there was some prophecyt going on, and now I believe in it because scripture says what it says, but my spirit was not moving me in any way with the speaker that we had.  On the last time that the speaker came, despite the fact that he still had not shown to move me spiritually in any way, he challenged something to me and those alike that I could not stand up for and accept.  He challenged those prepared for martyrdom to stand up and be annointed and prayed over it.  It seems extreme and a bit silly... the difference of such a thing makes me even a bit uneasy and I have to humble myself and allow wisdom to take over... Because I know that the work was done by GOD and acknowledged by myself long before any prophetic speaker walked into my world...

When started to realize the sacrafice for what I was called to do I started to doubt and question if I would really die for my God something tragic happened to the underground church.  Three priests overseas (and I forget but it was Turkey or Russia).. they were castrated, and tortured.  All the while the men sang praises before our LORD.  As their throats were mutilated and death became apparent they continued to pray out to their Father and sing songs of thanks and praise before HIM.  They did not fear, they knew they were on their way to heaven.  The story that their authority and family told changed the fear and ugliness of such terrible death to something absolutely beautiful.  I closed my eyes and amidst the gore of blood and such violent, sickening acts only the beautiful Light of God shined...  it caught my eye and held me captive to the beauty...

Winston Churchill says, "although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred it be postponed..."    

This is true for me also I admit.  I have to say that I was in the military before and contemplated death for my nation and if I would really not deny my nation and my accountability as an American Soldier inb order to preserve my life simply by saying "NO" when asked....  It took awhile and my heart grew fond and my passion strengthened for my purpose. My faith was in the LORD and take me seriously, because there was a time when such this thing was very real to me.  I had alreayd joined before the war started in Iraq.  But at that moment, and with guidance from the LORD I became unafraid of death... such passion to love and to serve people and to be effective in areas where others do not seem to  wanna go into, led me easily into the police academy and a career in Criminal Justice that has since been postponed...   What is not true, is that I am no longer unafraid of death.  I simply do not care if I die....

...I was having dinner one of the lsat nights with a woman that I am very fond of and whom I love so much.  She is a best friend and a mentor of sorts.  She told me that no, I was not afraid of death.  She quoted a movie for me where a man says "I dont care if I die..."  or something like that.  I realized only then that she was right.  That what I had tried to explain to people as being unafraid of death without offending anyone was so much more... in the time that I grew to trust the LORD with all of my friends, family, money, and life as I knew it and he took it all away and promised me the inheritance of nations, I had become carefree of death.  Now, to not care if I die does nothing about my care for life.  It was my passion for life, with true LIVING and BREATHING LIFE (of CHRIST), that provoked such a carefree outlook on death... it simply was only the destiny of every man... "THE DESTINY OF EVERY MAN IS DEATH."  Its the only thing we are predestined for.

When looking for conformation back earlier this year, not only  did the confirmation come as GOD rested on my heart the stories of the three priests, but it came in scripture... Matthew10:28-29, 31 "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body, but who cannot kill hte soul.  Rather, be afraid of the ONE who can destroy both soul and body in hell...so don't be afraid..."         

It has been a constant struggle for me here to keep down my own wants and desires, and move forward with the LORD.  I know not anywhere else I want to be than where I can learn more of GOD and HIS people in the nations.  My heart has become burdened for America and the lost HOPE so many people have.   Because of the freedom American's have, I see some of the greatest hope for the people and yet so many feel helpless. I wrote a blog on facebook desiring and pleading with my friends and contacts and their body of Christ to please remember my grandfather who died and who was not saved, for my gradnmother and mother whom are not saved, for those family members and friends who have held you while you cried and helped you when in need who are not saved...etc.  I have no outlet to help in America because GOD cried in my heart Africa and made it desperate that I come here.  I know this because the cry now only soflywhispers to remind me of where I need to be when I am in doubt these days...

I cannot tell you where my insensitivity came from, but it appeared seemingly out of no where. I am totally being reworked from the person that I ever was before.  I don't miss much more than running and alone time with the LORD that I use to have... but it has raptured me a bit... Nonetheless the LORD turned the pages of my bible to Ecclesiastes where HE read to me ,

"Obey the KING's command, I say, because you took an oath before GOD>  DO not be in a hurry to leave the king's presence.  DO not stand ujp for a bad cause for he will do whatever he pleases.  Since a king's word is supreme, who can say "What are you doing?"   ---Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure.  For there is proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him..."  ECCLESIASTES 8:2-6

All I can tell you right at this moment is I must end with the last of what is on my heart being brought out in these verses.  It  does not matter right now to you that I am happy, or healthy, or having the best most amazing times of my life...  What you need to know is that the LORD has spoke and that I have heard HIM and that I doing what I need to do.  I did not expect for this to be the least challenging.  The LORD did give me choices but nudged me half way around this world...  I accepted the challenges...  Right now the hardest part is trying to keep in mind who the LORD made me to be, and accepting I can't run... IT may be silly... but those who know the spiritual side of my running stories know that my heart is definatretly at a loss these days...  But I rejoice nonetheless. I will always somehow be joyful through sufferings.  There are peopole here so lost, in a nation that will take this generation to raise up...  But for me, my sufferings are only for a short time and I hate them, but I will get through it, over it, and beyond it sonner than later....

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I MISS YOU MOM!!!!!!!!

NONNY I LOVE YOU!!!!!

DAYTONA BEACH:  Muaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!! XOXO